Best man speech template

(The following is a transcript of a speech rehearsed aloud by an unconfirmed male voice, found on a Dictaphone tape that was among many thousands of hours of recordings discovered in the shed of a former tabloid executive and government advisor in the Spring of 2011.)

(Legal note – no it isn’t, this is very obviously all a joke. Not that I think I should really have to say that, but after that bloke got fined for Tweeting about blowing up Robin Hood Airport, you can’t be too careful.)

My lords, ladies and gentlemen, when William asked me to be his Best Man I was, of course, honoured to accept. But I must admit, when the Groom is the heir to the throne the task of writing a Best Man’s speech is a particularly daunting one.

Eager to observe the tradition of gentle character assassination, I started my speech by writing a list of all the wild times from the last ten years – the strip clubs, the drug dens, the dodgy mates, the public gaffes … William! Where were you, bro? Always too busy. And it’s not going to get any better now you’re married, is it?

Seriously, though, this speech would’ve been so much easier if you had a past like mine.

In truth, of the two of us William’s always been the goodie goodie. He was a bright and hard-working student. He excelled at school, made it into a top university, and later aced his pilot’s test for the RAF. Not bad for a boy who grew up in state accommodation … and still lives on benefits.

It was at Uni, of course, that Will first got close to Kate. I remember him calling me up at Windsor Castle to say that he’d met this amazing girl. “I’m bringing her home, Harry,” he told me, “This one’s a keeper.”

“You’ll have to wait,” I replied, “There are still two or three local birds in the keep that I haven’t finished with yet.”

In joining our family, Kate takes on the responsibilities not just of a wife, but of a future Queen. In the years to come, she may sometimes have to rise to grave challenges. I would remind you of a certain family matriarch whose decision to sit put in London - in what must count among the city’s darkest hours - gained her the admiration of a nation. Five times Mum sat through Joe Pasquale at the Royal Variety Performance … Five.

But it’s not all doom and gloom being a Royal. As those of you who joined us for Will’s stag night will know, the Windsor name will open the doors to the most exclusive venues in the world … the VIP rooms at Stringfellows, Sunset Strip, Secrets, White Rhino, the list goes on and on …

And by the way, Uncle Andrew, I haven’t forgotten the two grand you owe me. I don’t care if you have to tap up Gary Glitter for it, I want my money back.

Now, despite the upheaval of the past few years, marriage is still a sacred institution for William; a lifelong commitment. And after his years of military service, he’s well suited to married life. He’s great at taking orders, and he’s used to going for long periods without sex.

Plus, if things don’t go according to plan, he can still maintain tradition … by disbanding the church and cutting her head off.

I’m sure it won’t come to that, mind you. Kate’s always brought out the romantic in William. I remember him calling me from the cockpit of his chopper to say that he was planning to buzz her lawn for Valentine’s Day. I told him a gift token for a waxing salon would be simpler, but he wanted to go the extra mile. That’s true love for you.

Finally, before I take my seat, it would be remiss of me not to acknowledge the generous people who have contributed most to these festivities. The limousines, the champagne, the caviar, the roast swans ... No expense has been spared to see William and Kate off in a style befitting their status. My lords, ladies and gentlemen, please raise your glasses in a toast … to the British Tax Payer!